Conversation Over Skimmed Milk

"Skimmed milk? Are you fucking kidding me?"

"I'm trying to lose weight."

"Are you fucking kidding me?"

"No, I'm not. Stop being an asshole."

"I am not an asshole!"

"Yes, you are!"

"Jesus Christ."

"And you swear too much."

"Why are you trying to lose weight?"

"Because I want to."

"Are you fucking crazy?"

"You're right, I was completely wrong. You're not an asshole at all."

"Christ, I hate sarcasm."

"You hate pretty much everything."

"How much weight do you want to lose?"

"At least 10 pounds."

"Fucking Christ."

"If you want regular milk, there's a store around the corner. But the coffee's ready now."

"Fuck it, skimmed is fine."

"Your sacrifice won't be forgotten."

"Again with the fucking sarcasm."

"You knew what you were getting yourself into."

"You don't need to lose 10 pounds."

"Wow, flattery! Without a single swear, even!"

"You're not fucking overweight."

"Well aren't you sweet."

"Fuck you. I'm fucking serious."

"You're always serious. And now you're just swearing to piss me off."

"Fucking rights."

"How's the coffee?"

"It's alright. Not bad. So, when does he get back?"

"This evening. I'm picking him up around 7."

"Have a nice romantic evening planned, do you?"

"Fuck you."

"Geez, speaking of foul language --"

"I'm serious. Stop being an asshole."

"Ok, alright. I'm sorry."

"No, you're not."

"You know, the skimmed milk isn't that bad..."

"... that's good."

"But seriously, tonight ..."

"Why on Earth would you want to ask me about that?"

"Just curious."

"Curious? How curious? Should I draw labelled diagrams? Maybe a flow chart?"

"Well, now who's being ... flow chart? Why a flow chart?"

"How about a pie graph? We'll spend 13% of our time catching up, 0.01% of our time taking our
clothes off --"

"Ok, I've learned my --"

"Foreplay should take up approximately 32% of the evening ..."

"Wow, I really have pissed you off, haven't I?"

"Just trying to satisfy your curiosity."

"Ok, ok. Relax."

"I hate it when you tell me to relax."

"Do you think he cheats on you when he's away?"

"...Who knows."

"I mean, he's no Adonis or anything, but I'm sure he can get laid when he feels like it."

"That's nice. You're a class act, Nick."

"Do you think he knows that you cheat on him?"

"...No."

"You don't sound too confident, there."

"No. He doesn't know."

"That's a relief. I'm a lover, not a fighter."

"Really? I never would have guessed."

"Ouch ... so, who are you losing the weight for?"

"What?"

"Are you losing the weight for him? Did he tell you that you need to lose weight?"

"Oh yeah, right after he told me to fetch him a beer, and shot out the TV with his gun. He's not a fucking stereotype. And neither am I, you jackass. I'm not losing the weight for anybody."

"So you're saying you're losing the weight for me, then. I'm touched, really I am, but really, it's not necessary. I think you're right purdy just the way you are, darlin'."

"You're touched, alright."

"So you just like the taste of skimmed milk, is that it? The enticing texture and aroma?"

"It's not that bad."

"No, it's not. But it's not that good, either. It's not really anything. That's my point."

"I didn't realize you had one."

"It's something new I'm trying out."

"Ok, I know that I'll never hear the end of this, but ... I'm losing the weight for Lent."

"Lent?"

"Yeah. You give something up, or do something good, for 40 days before Easter."

"I am familiar with the concept, yes."

"So you can give up being pointless for Lent."

"I can't believe you go in for all that nonsense."

"Be happy I didn't give you up. Believe me, it was a close call."

"Wait, wait just one second ... are you saying you'd rather lose 10 pounds of your own body than lose me?"

"... I certainly wouldn't put it like that."

"Aww, that's so romantic!"

"I'm starting to reconsider my decision."

"I'll bet you are. Let's go for lunch."


Copyright Peter Byrne 2009

With thanks to Ethan van Winkle